30 Days Of Rachel - Day 07, Random

Keep your faith in all beautiful things; in the sun when it is hidden, in the Spring when it is gone.
~Roy R. Gilson ~

These last few weeks have been really stressful. Partly because I have had a lot to do, and partly because I have let too many things get to me. I have spent so much time lately worrying about school and thinking about the future, that i have forgotten to enjoy the present. Now im not saying that I dont think you should think about your future, cause I do, but i also think it is important to live in the moment, to enjoy your life for whatever it happens to be right now. However, this is easier said than done. Sometimes it's hard to keep your life simple in a world that is so chaotic. I find myself lately loosing sight of myself, something that is far too easy to do in a place with so many people, and it's been slightly depressing me. I tell myself that the reason for this is time, time and not having enough of it is the problem. I dont have enough time to stop and observe the beautiful world around me, i dont have time to read a good book or play the guitar. The thing is, this isn't true. No matter how busy life is, and it is definitely busy, there is always time, sometimes it's just a little bit harder to find. So that is my goal this week, to find time. Find time to stop and observe the beauty around me, find time to read a book or play the guitar, find time to be myself, because at the end of the day, isn't that what counts?

30 Day's Of Rachel - Day 06, Your best friend.

"Freinds are angels who lift our feet when our own wings have trouble remembering how to fly."


In my life i have moved many many times, I have lived in more places then years i've been alive, and when you move this much you wonder if you will ever find that friend who will still be there even after you leave. Lucky for me, i found two. For anybody who knows me knows that my best friends in the world are Kyle Deason and Tyrel Roberts, i have known them since we were 13 and by some miracle we have all managed to stay friends even though we all live in different places. Now this may sound mean, but i am the type of person who does not stay friends after i leave. It's nothing personal, i have just learned in my life to not get too attached, to just let things go when you leave. To be honest, this probably would have been the same case with my boys, but luckily they didn't let that happen. Even when i have pushed them away, and believe me i have, they never leave, which is something that means a lot more to me then i think they realize. They are the two most amazing guys a girl could ever ask for, and i am so crazy lucky to have them in my life. Anyway, now that i have babbled on and on about how much i love them, i will tell you why i love them, starting with Mr. Tyrel Roberts.


Tyrel is the kind of guy who always makes you feel amazing even when you feel like crap. He is the guy who knows exactly what to say at exactly the right moment in time. But the thing i love most about Tyrel is his sense of humor. Everybody needs someone in their life who has the ability to always have a positive outlook, someone who reminds you of life's buties when you forget, someone who you can be a total and complete goof with. You know you have a true friend when you can sit on the phone for 3 hours talking about the most random and stupid things that absolutely no one else would understand if you told. In short, Tyrel is the guy who adds a little sunshine to my life. All the words in the world could not express how much i love the kid, and how much of a difference he has made in my life.


The other most important guy in my life is Kyle Deason. Although Kyle also has a great sense of humor, the thing that i love most about him is his ability to be serious. Kyle is the the guy who is always there for you. He is the shoulder you cry on, the hand you hold, the person you go to when you have lost all faith in humanity. Kyle is kind of like that guy in the movie who seems to good to be true. The best friend who is always there when you need him the most without even realizing he's doing it. He is the kind of guy who makes you think that maybe, just maybe, not every boy in the world completly and totally sucks. In a life that has been as crazy as mine, having someone you feel comfortable enough with to really talk to is an unbelievable blessing.


So like i said before, i have the two most amazing best friends in the world. With guys like these in your life who needs a boyfriend ;)

30 Day's Of Rachel - Day 05, Your beliefs

"Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding." - Mohanda Gandhi


To be honest, i have been slightly nervous about this post. Mostly because i was looking at it from a religious standpoint. I dont have a riligion that i believe in and im still a little shaky on the god front. But with some of the things that have happened in the world this week i remembered that beliefs aren't nessisarily religious ones, they can also be things your support, or believe strongly in. So that is the kind of belief i am going to be talking about today. For most people who read this blog this is not going to be a subject that you paricularly want to hear about, but it's something i feel inclined to address. In the last few weeks there have been several teen suicides, the cause of these suicides came from bullying that these kids recieved due to their sexual oriantation. Now i dont know what these kids went through, i dont know what it feels like to be discriminated against just because you arn't what people call "normal" However, i do know what it feels like to be in such a dark place that everything feels like the end of the world, i do know what it feels like to be so hurt and so sad that the idea of being done seems like just about the best thing, even if it meens ending it yourself. I know what this feels like. Luckily for me, i had people who loved me enough to pull me back from that edge. But when i see these kids that were not lucky enough to have someone to pull them back, it breaks me heart. It breaks my heart because that could have been me. And then when i see that the reason these kids resolted to this was because of something as stupid as who they had a crush on, it makes me so angry. I know that people do not see this the way that i do, and i know that some people may never see it the way that i do, and you know what, i dont care. I mean sure, it would be great if people could accept it, but i would settle for people just understanding, i would settle for people just realizing that their hate and closed minded nature is litterally killing people. Now i may be a little shaky on the god front, but im pretty sure that he crys just as hard for the gay kid that killed himself as he does for the straight one. Im pretty sure that he cares just as much about the gay kid as he does about the sraight one, that he loves the gay kid just as much as the straight one. So why on earth cant we? I just dont get it. I dont get how people who pride themselves on being loving, and open, and godlike, can be so cruel and so hateful. I mean i look at these people who are so against it and i just want to scream. I want to scream and say, you know what? get over it! get over it because it is not your life, get over it because it is not your love, get over it because it is not your choice, and get over it because it is not your right. It is not your right to tell someone how they can live their life. It is not your right to tell someone who they can love. And it is most definitely NOT right to discriminate, and hate, and tease, just because you dont agree or you dont understand. Most the people i know do not believe in gay rights. I mean i know a lot who do, but for the most part, the people i am closes to are very against it. Sometimes, this gets really hard because i believe so strongly in it, but the thing that is the hardest is that i know that these people are not bad people. Take my family for instence. Everyone but me in my family thinks that being gay is a sin, and it kind of amazes me. It amazes me becase my family is a very loving and understanding family, so it's hard for me to understand why they are so discusted and closed off when it comes to this topic. But i guess that's just how life goes. Not everyone is going to understand, and there is not a whole lot i can do about that. All i can do is make sure that i do understand, all i can do is make sure that im not one of those people who are discusted. All i can do is make sure that i am loving and open minded, and hope that maybe one day, that inspires a few other people to do the same. So now that i have been talking forever i will end by leaving you with a link to a video that a friend sent me. I hope that whoever reads this will be willing to put aside their pride long enough to really listen. Because this is becoming an epidemic, and our world needs people to start listening. After all, the last thing that we need is another beautiful soul being taken away to soon due to something that is as preventable as this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_B-hVWQnjjM

Life is messy.

"Maybe we have to mess up, before we can step up" - Alex Karev


I was watching Greys Anatomy today, and at the end of the episode there was this quote, this saying that i really liked. It said "Maybe we have to mess up, before we can step up" now after the week i have been having these were just about the most beautiful words i had ever heard, and they got me thinking. In my life i have done a lot of messing up, i have made a lot of stupid decisions, a lot of stupid mistakes. But what if, in my life, i just haven't fiinished the messing up part yet? what if all of this messy crap has just been preparing me for that moment, that one beautiful moment where i step up? that moment where i pick myself off the gound and i show the world just how much i have to offer. What if these last 19 years of my life have just been one really big mess up?. I know this probably isn't the case, probably isn't good, looking at your life as just a big mess up, but i think it's how im going to choose to see it, because believing that maybe im still in the mess up part of my life gives me hope that maybe i haven't missed my chance to step up. It gives me hope that maybe the good times are ahead of me, that maybe, just maybe, i haven't completely botched my chances yet. So im going to believe in the mess up, because maybe believing in the mess up is what gives us the hope, and the streangth, to finally step up.

30 Day's Of Rachel - Day 04, Your day.

"I always felt like i hadn't achieved what i wanted to achieve." - Virginia Wade


Hm, my day. To be honest my days are pretty boring. I woke up this morning, got dressed, ate breakfest, spent an hour and a half curled up in a corner of the library reading sense and sensibility, walked to target, watched smallville, went and got dinner, watched a movie, and now im writing this. It may sound sad but this has been a way more productive day then usual. Most nights I find myself laying in my bed going over my day and realizing that i didn't do anything. I always tell myself "Ok Rachel, tomorrow is going to be different, tomorrow you are actully going to make some progress in your life, or at least make the day something you can remember." And every morning i wake up and i do exactly the same thing i did the day before. I dont know why i do this, it's a habbit i cant seem to break, i feel like i have wasted the last four years of my life. I look at all my friends that i have grown up with and they are all so much farther in life then i am. They are getting married, serving missions, attending these amazing university's where they are doing amazing incredible things. Then there is me. An almost 20 year old who cant drive, has never had one real relationship and who is attending a small college in Utah where she has no idea what she is going to do with the rest of her life. How did i get to this place? i use to have all these dreams and aspirations, i use to have an appetite for life, and then things happened and i just stopped. I stopped dreaming, i stopped trying to become this amazing person that i use to believe i could be. I feel like the world has left me behind, like im in a race and i cant keep up. The sad thing about this is that i know, i know im wasting my life, but i cant seem to change that. It's not that i dont want to, cause i do, i just dont know how. I dont know how else to spend my day's, i dont know how to make things happen for myself. I guess god just forgot to give me the life manual when he sent me down here. I dont know, i guess im just dissipointed in myself, dissipointed in the decisions that i've made, the things i have let get to me, the time i have wasted. Maybe this is my punishment for not being stronger, maybe this is the life i chose when i chose to let life get the better of me. Whatever the reason, i know that this isn't where i wanted to be at this point in my life, and im just starting to wonder if my dad was right after all, maybe this life was wasted on me.

30 Day's Of Rachel - Day 03, Your definition of love

"I dont pretend to know what love is for everyone, but i can tell you what it is for me."


I've been thinking long and hard about what to write in this post, and to be honest im probably the worst person for the job. I've never been in love before and as cynical as it may sound im not sure if i really believe in it, well at least not the romantic kind, but when i was trying to figure out what to say about this topic i decided to look up the definition of love online and they had dozens of definitions for it "A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person" "A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend" "Passion or desire" ect... After reading all of these i came to the conclusion that the reason there are so many different types of definitions is because there are so many different types of love. Sure, i may not buy into the romantic type of love but i do believe in other types. I believe in the love of friendship, i believe in the love of family, but i think i believe the most in the simple form of love that people dont always pay attention too. I think that most people when they think of love imagine the big, hot air balloons, millions of roses, riding off into the sunset type. But that's not love to me. Love to me is staying up till 4 in the morning because your friend needs someone to talk to, it's being willing to momentarily put aside your needs for someone elses, it's accepting people for who they are and not who you want them to be. That's my definition of love and it's the kind that i want in my life, and the kind that i hope i have been able to bring into others.

30 Day's Of Rachel - Day 02, Your Parents

"My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it." - Quentin Chrisp


I would love to be able to sit hear and tell you that i had the picture perfect family. I played baseball with my dad, cooked cookies with my mom and we were all the best of friends, but my life didn't turn out that way, but then again, who's life really does?


However, i did get pretty lucky in the mom department.

My mom: Truth be told, i dont know a whole lot about my mom when she was younger. I know that she was incredibly beautiful (still is) i know she was converted to the church, and i know she married my dad, but that's about as far as my knowledge of little mom goes. BUT i do know a lot about bigger mom. My mom is pretty much the most incredible person ever. She is my most favorite person on the planet and one of my best friends. We, like everyone, went through our shares of ups and downs. We had a difficult relationship as i was growing up but because of it we have grown to be really close. I love my mom more then i can even begin to say! she has helped me through more then i think even she has realized. To be completely and totally honest, my mom saved my life more then once, and i will be forever greatful. So basically, if you want to know what my mom's like, all you have to do is think of the most amazing, wonderful, loving thing you can possibly imagine, and that's my mom.


My dad: Hm...this one is a little more difficult. Honestly, i know less about little dad as i did about my mom. I know he was very athletic (very hard to imagine now) i know he is super smart and loves music (he rocks at the guitar) but that's all i know, and to be honest, i dont know a lot about bigger dad either. Me and my dad had a very hard relationship when i was growing up, and we dont have much of one at all now. The sad thing about that is, that's the way i want it. Sure, i would love to have a dad that loves me and thinks the world of me, one that took me on daddy daughter dates and called me princess, but that wasn't the case in my life, and it's something i've had to learn to live with. As cruel as this may sound, i dont really consider him my father. I know that technically he is, but he never played that role for me. I guess that's just the way life is sometimes, you dont always get the parents you want. Luckily enough for me, one was amazing enough to make up for the other.


I dont know if i will be a good mother, i dont know if i will ever be a mother at all, but if there is one thing i have learned from my parents, it's that if/when i do have a family of my own, i will do absolutely everything in my power to make sure that my kids have the kind of relationship with their father that i always wanted with mine, and the relationship with me their whole lives, that i've had with my mom for part of it. It sounds cheesy, but i want a gilmore girls type relationship with my kids, and im going to make sure that happens, or im not having kids at all lol!

30 Day's Of Rachel

"Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be." - Fanny Brice


Day 01 - Introduction

So i was watching 500 days of summer the other day (super good movie by the way) and i decided to do a bit of a 500 day's of summer thing of my own, only mine will be called 30 day's of Rachel lol

Everyday for the next 30 day's i am going to have a topic that i am going to discuss, something that will give you a little insight into who i am and what makes me, me. This way it will give you guys a chance to get to know me a little better, and it will give me something to talk about lol!

Here is a list of what to expect :)


Day 02 - Your Parents
Day 03 - Your definition of love
Day 04 - Your day
Day 05 - Your beliefs
Day 06 - Your best friend
Day 07 - Random
Day 08 - Your siblings
Day 09 - Your dreams
Day 10 - Best memory
Day 11 - Regrets
Day 12 - Pet peeve
Day 13 - Fears
Day 14 - Something that makes you cry
Day 15 - Something that makes you smile
Day 16 - Favorite song
Day 17 - Inspirations
Day 18 - Secrets
Day 19 - Something that you miss
Day 20 - A moment
Day 21 - A book
Day 22 - Your talents
Day 23 - Your favorite place
Day 24 - Accomplishments
Day 25 - Your hopes
Day 26 - Food
Day 27 - Best childhood memory
Day 28 - Favorite holiday
Day 29 - A first
Day 30 - Life defining moment

Difference.

"It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races." - Mark Twain


These last few days have been...interesting. I have been subject to a lot of negitivity and hate due to nothing more then a difference of opinion. There are people all around me bringing others down, throwing away friendships, and it got me thinking. Why is it that we as a society are so afraid of opposing opinions? What is it about difference that scars us so? Sometimes it amazes me how differently i see things as compared to the views of others. I wish there was a way that i could put myself in their body for a moment and see why they have the views they have. And vise versa. But sadly, that isn't possible. I guess i just dont understand people's tendency to turn their back on difference, on what they dont understand. Im the kind of person who will respect your opinion if you respect mine. I couldn't care less if you think differently then me, if everyone thought exactly the same way our world would be a pretty boring place. But, if there is one thing i have observed over these last few days it's that, while many people may agree with me and my views, many people do not. And to be honest, that's ok with me. What's not ok with me is the fact that so many people let something as insignificant as difference in opinion destroy what use to be something so good. For example: I use to have this friend named Kim. She was my best friend for six years and one day, because of a difference in opinion, she decided she no longer wished to be my friend. She hasn't talked to me in quite a few months now, and that makes me sad. It makes me sad that one argument,one bad moment in time could erase all the good ones. This is the part of difference i do not like, the way people let it define a person. I think that too often, we as a society let difference define our life, our beliefs, the people we choose to keep company with. We spend so much time focusing on the differences that we DO have that we forget about the ones we DONT have. We train our eye's to only see what we dont have in commen instead of seeing what we do. I think this is the biggest problem i have with the world. The thing that upset's me the most. But as much as i may want to, i cant change it, i cant change other people. All i can do is try not to be this way, try and be open to difference, and hope that one day, things may change.

The art of life.

"Life is an art, and you are the artist."

If there is one thing i have learned in my art class so far it's that i often treat life like i treat my work. I critize it, am never satisfied, and i always feel as if i should already have it figured out. I get frustrated with myself because i feel like i should already be that great artist. But another thing i have learned from my art class is that being that great artist isn't exactly the point, it's becoming that great artist that matters. It's the work you put in, the changes you make. It's simply doing all that you can do and being all you can be. It's about the journey. Another similarity i have found between life and art is that both leave you with the wonderful ability to change and start over. You can always go back and erase a mistake. Sure, the remanence of a line might still be there, but if you put in enough efort you are able to change something that was once ugly into something beautiful. I guess that has always been my favorite thing about art. I know that in my life and in my work i am always going to make mistakes. I am going to screw up and will probably have to start over quite a few times. But hopefully, if i work hard enough, one day i'll be able to create something beautiful.

Why cant life have an easy button?

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." - E. B. White


I SUCK at self motivation. If there was nothing forcing me to wake up in the morning, nothing that i had to do, i would probably sit on my butt all day long. The sad thing about this is, i would probably enjoy it tremendously. It seems like everyday i have a million things i want to do, things i want to see, read, eat, experience, but i can never seem to get myself to actually do them. I guess you could say that im more of a self thinker then a self motivater. I will sit and think up an idea and then plan out every little detail, this part i enjoy, but then, after i have planned it all out and the thinking part ends and the doing part begins, that is where i have trouble. I have always hated this about myself, it frustrates me beyond belief! but have i fixed it? no, not so much. The most frustrating thing about this perdiciment i always seem to find myself in is that i really and honestly want to do something. I want to make a difference, i want to do something amazing, be something amazing, but i always seem to stand in my own way. I am my own roadblock. How do you find your way around a roadblock if you are the roadblock? how do you change your problem when your problem is that you cant seem to change? The answers to these questions i haven't figured out yet. Sometimes i wish i had an easy button. You know, from the staples commercials? how much easier would life be if you could just click a button and have everything magically work out? but i guess that's not how life works. Life is not an easy button, life is a "hey, this life thing kind of sucks. But if you try hard and make the right decisions it will suck a little less." button. So i guess that's what i'll do. I will try a little harder to be more proactive, be more self motivating. And hey, maybe if i acomplish that, i'll be able to make an easy button of my own.

People People People

"In each of us there is a little of all of us." - Georg C. Litchenberg


I am not a people person. If your fimiliar with me you know this. Unlike most people who go out of there way to meet people, i go out of my way to not meet people. I have often thought long and hard about why. Why am i not a people person? why does the thought of actually putting myself out there enough to form an actual relationship freak me out so much? and i have come to to realize that the answere is life, life is the reason. I have been through things in my life that have caused me to lose faith in people. Things that have caused me to doubt whether or not people are genuin, whether or not people actually have the ability to honesly and genuinley care and love you. Whenever i meet someone new who actually seems to like me i go through a survey of questions in my head. Why does this person like me? Why do they want to hang out with me? Is it out of pitty or do they actually like me? As im sure you would agree this isn't the healthiest of way's to be, but for the life of me i cant seem to stop doing it. I have also come to realize that i am one of those "all or nothing" type of people. I am the kind of girl who believes that you have to have everything in commen in order to have a realationship, you have to agree with everything about an organization in order to be a part of it, that's just the way i am. But if there is one thing i have learned this year it's that people are not as bad as life makes them out to be, and that finding one thing in commen is enough to build one of the strongest relationships if you are willing to give it a go. I have had the amazing oppurtunitie to become friends with some of the most incredible and loving people this year. And it is all because of this one thing we have in commen, our love for a silly soap opera. A year ago i would never have believed that this one thing could be the gateway to some of the great friends of my life, or that i, Rachel Budge, could let so many people in without going over my mental survey or looking for ulterior motives. But i have, and i am so greatful for it! Although my heart is still not completly warmed up and i still have doubts when it comes to people, i think it is a step in the right direction. These people have managed to put back together some of the few pieces of my heart other people in my life broke. And i must tell you, it feels pretty dang good :)

Sometimes you just have to move.

"So...Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'shae, Your off to great places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So get on your way!." - Dr. Suess


I have always really hated the phrase "just do it." I guess, to be fair, i dont hate the phrase as much as i hate the way people say it. Whenever you hear someone say "just do it" it is usually in a "what's your problem? why is this so hard for you?" type of tone. Now i understand that this is not always the case but i feel like it is a large percent of the time. I have come across very few situation in life that are easy enough to "just do it." thing's are not that simple. Maybe it is just me, maybe i make things too complicated or maybe i just think to much, whatever the reason i can never seem to just do something. Take College for example, it has taken me almost a year to decide that it was something i wanted to do, and even now i haven't yet decided what it is in College i want to pursue. Some people might see this as irrisponsible "you should have this figured out" might be their retort, but i dont, i dont have it figured out. Now if you know me well you know that i am not one to go into something blind. I am the kind of person who wants to know EXACTLY what im getting myself into. Where to begin, how to get there, where to end...these are all things i think to death before i make any sort of decision. One of the hardest things for me when i was signing up for school was the fact that i dont know yet what im majoring in. Sure, i have an idea and i know part of it, but i haven't got the whole thing mapped out it my head yet. For the first time in my life im just doing something, and to be completely honest it scars the heck out of me. First, because it has completly taken me out of my "everything has to be planed" comfort zone, and second, because it has forced me to live the very phrase i hate, which has been a stuggle unto its self. But i have also come to a second conclusion. That as much as i might dislike the phrase "just do it" it, in some cases, might be the right step to take. Sometimes we just have to put on our life jacket and jump, because if we dont we might end up standing in the same place forever. So i have made a decision. For the next little while of my life i am just going to put one foot in front of the other and just do it. That way, even if i go in the wrong direction for a while and have to make a u turn, at least i will be going somewhere.