"I always felt like i hadn't achieved what i wanted to achieve." - Virginia Wade
Hm, my day. To be honest my days are pretty boring. I woke up this morning, got dressed, ate breakfest, spent an hour and a half curled up in a corner of the library reading sense and sensibility, walked to target, watched smallville, went and got dinner, watched a movie, and now im writing this. It may sound sad but this has been a way more productive day then usual. Most nights I find myself laying in my bed going over my day and realizing that i didn't do anything. I always tell myself "Ok Rachel, tomorrow is going to be different, tomorrow you are actully going to make some progress in your life, or at least make the day something you can remember." And every morning i wake up and i do exactly the same thing i did the day before. I dont know why i do this, it's a habbit i cant seem to break, i feel like i have wasted the last four years of my life. I look at all my friends that i have grown up with and they are all so much farther in life then i am. They are getting married, serving missions, attending these amazing university's where they are doing amazing incredible things. Then there is me. An almost 20 year old who cant drive, has never had one real relationship and who is attending a small college in Utah where she has no idea what she is going to do with the rest of her life. How did i get to this place? i use to have all these dreams and aspirations, i use to have an appetite for life, and then things happened and i just stopped. I stopped dreaming, i stopped trying to become this amazing person that i use to believe i could be. I feel like the world has left me behind, like im in a race and i cant keep up. The sad thing about this is that i know, i know im wasting my life, but i cant seem to change that. It's not that i dont want to, cause i do, i just dont know how. I dont know how else to spend my day's, i dont know how to make things happen for myself. I guess god just forgot to give me the life manual when he sent me down here. I dont know, i guess im just dissipointed in myself, dissipointed in the decisions that i've made, the things i have let get to me, the time i have wasted. Maybe this is my punishment for not being stronger, maybe this is the life i chose when i chose to let life get the better of me. Whatever the reason, i know that this isn't where i wanted to be at this point in my life, and im just starting to wonder if my dad was right after all, maybe this life was wasted on me.
NOT!!! If you could look at where you are from my perspective, you'd realize that it isn't a RACE! You have PLENTY of TIME to do EVERYTHING you want to do and you are in the perfect place and situation to do it. Try looking at where you are from a positive perspective. Look for the pros, not the cons. You are an almost 20 year old who is morally clean....far ahead of most of the human race. You haven't had a ticket, an accident or had to pay for a car or car insurance yet....and you're not in debt for a car. You'll get one when you need one. You don't have to know where you will end up to go to college. You just have to be on the right read to find out. You are there and you are working hard....just keep that up. As far as a life manual....he did give you one. You threw it away. I challenge you to pick it back up give it a new try with new adult eyes. Go to institute or church. Make some friends. That's what you are missing in your life....friends, a social life, companions. All your friends are on missions or online. You need flesh and blood present friends. You are a very special person and I miss you. No regrets. The future is what you make it! Love, MOM
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